Does Mom Make Us Moral?

Years ago I witnessed something pretty interesting.  I was sitting in the train when it stopped at a particular station.  I heard a mother, who was already down by the turnstile, yelling for her kids to hurry up and catch the train.  I could hear the kids running down the stairs and yelling at each other to hurry.  When the kids came to the turnstile some jumped over and some scrambled under it.  They were obviously old enough to pay but mom urged them to go through the turnstile.  She did not want to pay the fare.  At that point the mother jumped the turnstile.  Here is the kicker.  There was one child left.  She was about 14 or 15 years old.  She ran to the token booth to buy a metro card.  Her mom was holding open the train door urging her to jump the turnstile and hop on the train.   She was obviously the oldest.  All of her younger siblings were laughing at her, urging her to jump the turnstile and get on the train.  Her mother started yelling at her to jump the turnstile.   Finally she bought the metro card and went to the turnstile to swipe the card and let her through.  The young lady kept swiping her metro card and it would not let her through.  All the while her mother and siblings were yelling for her to go through the turnstile.  She was looking embarrassed as she kept swiping the card and it would not give her access.   She would not listen to her mom and siblings until finally the turnstile took the fare.  As she boarded the train her whole family laughed “at” her.  They were ribbing her in a jovial way, asking her why she did not jump the turnstile.   She did not answer but looked embarrassed.   I found it interesting that even when mom wanted her to go against her beliefs, she maintained her integrity.

 I started to wonder about what makes us develop our principals. Is it our parents? Is it our environment?  This young lady does not share all of her mothers’ values.  It was important for her to pay her way.  Who taught her that?  Was it another older relative?  Was it a person outside her personal circle?  Maybe it was a story she heard or a religious leader’s influence.  Whatever the situation, it helped her make a decision she was comfortable with.  I’m glad her mother did not publicly humiliate her for her decision.  Her mother let her make a free moral decision.  I guess that says something about mom.  Every once in a while we all try to get over.  That is one reason why we love a good sale.  But what about people who are always trying to get over on the system?  How can that be harmful?  In this case, the mother is unwittingly showing her kids how to get over as much as possible at the expense of someone else.  In the beginning it may seem innocent.  It always starts out small.  But soon it will grow to bigger things and situations.  One day a person can try to get over and it can hurt someone else directly.   Today I steal a ride on the transportation system, tomorrow I steal a car.  I’m just joyriding, nobody will get hurt.

The other day I was waiting at a red light.   A mother and toddler were also waiting.  Two adults crossed against the light.  The boy wanted to cross.  Mother said we must wait for the light.  I saw the boy look at the other adults crossing and I could see him wondering.  So instead of crossing against the light, I waited until it turned green.  I did not want to ruin a teachable moment.  When it turned green we all crossed.  I wonder what he will do when facing a turnstile in the future.  Hopefully, mom’s lesson will be in his head and he will obey the law.

We have to be mindful of what we teach our children.  They are watching us.  They watch what we do, not what we say.  As an educator I see this so often.  It is up to the parent to be the first moral line of defense.  We must show the importance of being honest.  It can actually save a life.

 Am I My Brothers’ Keeper?

One of the things that make our lives beautiful is having a great relationship.  I am amazed at how we depend on each other.  Even in the animal kingdom we see this interdependency.  We see how families or clans work together to make life easy and safe.  We observe the whole clan helping with food gathering, protecting the family, child care, and other daily activities being carried out.  In the animal kingdom you can see the young playing and relying on mother to provide food, guidance and protection.  In the animal kingdom if a member behaves in a socially unacceptable way, the member is rebuked or sent away.  Balance and order must be maintained. 

I wonder how the animal kingdom knows this and some human beings have trouble with this concept.  How is it that when someone acts in a detrimental way we keep them close and endanger our loved ones.  I remember years ago seeing a sad case.  I was walking in the pouring rain with my umbrella and still getting drenched.  I saw a woman squeezed into a half phone booth with her 4 year old daughter.  By the conversation I could tell she was trying to get shelter from an abusive boyfriend or husband.  She was begging for help.  You could hear the desperation in her voice.  Nobody would give her shelter.  I could tell by the conversation that she called everybody she knew and they were tired of her leaving and going back to the abuser.  They had no umbrella, coat or proper shoes.  They were drenched.  The little girl had her arms wrapped around her mother.  She was looking up at her with fear and desperation in her eyes.  I could imagine the people on the other end being tired of rescuing her just for her to go back to her abuser later on.  Also, who wants an abuser knocking down their door looking for their family (I heard a reference to that also). I knew of another woman who was mentally abused by her husband.  It started out with small comments and got bigger and uglier as time went on.  Again, the children were always present when the insults flew.  On a least two occasions, I saw men walking with their wives and children in the street.  The women were walking with battered and swollen faces.  The women looked embarrassed. The men proudly walked down the street.  As if they were proud of their actions.  This is the 21^st century and guess what?  A lot has not changed.  Although women are making more money than our mothers before us, going to school in greater numbers and growing professionally as never before some of us still face issues that our mothers and grandmothers faced.  Namely, respect for women and the family unit.

As an educator I wonder how my students get through the day sometimes knowing their mothers face these challenges on a regular basis.  Sometimes the students talk about it.  They seem sad and scared.  Adults have no idea the impact these actions have on their children.  But my biggest question is “how do these actions become socially acceptable?”  These men have families, friends, coworkers, and church family.  Notice I did not say neighbors.  I’m talking about people who the abuser respects.  A neighbor can only call the police but does not have any real power to affect change.  I think this is a complex issue and that is why I cannot find any articles on an intervention with the abuser.  Well a friend of mine did it.  She had an intervention with an abuser.  It did not work the first time but when all the friends started their own interventions it took.  The abuser went to therapy.  She said she could not believe the difference in the couple’s behavior.  Yes the couple not just the abuser.  There was a lot of crying on the abusers part but they wanted to make their marriage work.  It’s now stronger than ever.  I can’t say she made the difference.  I can’t even say she was the first intervention.  But, they did not give up on their friend.  They knew he loved his mate and wanted a great life with her.  The couple also knew they were loved by their friends.

 I don’t think a mental health professional would recommend getting involved in a couple’s troubled relationship.  But, I think if you know them well enough you can at least try to talk to the abuser at an off time – gently.  You may be surprised at the outcome.

                                                                                    Sigrid

What Can A Marathon Teach You?

The NYC Marathon took place on this crisp, sunny, autumn day.  It was a very interesting event to watch.  I was there, with thousands of New Yorkers, on the sidelines cheering the runners as they ran towards their goal.  I watched them run some with gritty determination on their faces and others with a spirit of fire in their eyes.  Most were smiling with pure joy on their faces.  Some of the runners were actually running down the street dancing.  Yes, I saw dancing.  Unfortunately, some of the runners looked stressed out and scared.  They were probably thinking “what if I don’t make it.”  I even saw some runners “running funny.”  I don’t know how to describe it but it looked like their running style would get them in trouble later on.  Their feet hit the ground in what looked like a painful way.  I saw bodies and legs twisting and arms flailing.

At the beginning of the marathon you do not see so many people.  Just the few you know will cross the finish line faster than the rest of the crowd.  But, it is not important when you finish I do not think most people do it to be first.  They just “do it” as a personal challenge for themselves.  They train hard to achieve a goal.  You could feel the passion in the air.  It makes me think of life in general.  We are all running in this race called life.  Many of us start out together.  We may even train together.  But that does not mean we will finish together.   We may even end up in different places on our life’s journey.  Some want it all.  Family, career, and a busy personal life can be important to some people.  Others may just want family or career.  So we “train” accordingly.  I noticed some runners had faces contorted with fear, others with relaxed expressions.  The runners who ran with fear probably give themselves a hard time all the time.  Life’s too short for that.  Those who loved the attention knew how to woo the crowd with funny costumes and gestures.  I loved watching the runners who physically reached out to the supporters to say “thank you for your support.”   You could see the personalities come out.   The playful ones literally did funny things like making faces or little dance steps.  I saw a few cat women, a sumo wrestler, a few supermen, Betty Boop, many wild costumes and a few kings just to name a few.  The happy runners were obviously enjoying the moment, drinking it in bit by bit.  I bet basically that is the way they live – in the moment, drinking it in bit by bit. They are the ones who can take a challenge and make it work for them so they can learn and move on in life.  They don’t sweat the small stuff and can see the beauty in a situation.  They know how to find balance and help others in need. I saw some runners who had to massage out a cramp.  I did not see anybody get upset.  I did see them look disappointed but not upset.  They just rolled with the punches by massaging the cramp right out.  They jumped right back into the race.  When people are facing a challenge, you get to see who they really are underneath.  Isn’t it funny what you can see when a person is running in a marathon?

We face many challenges in life.  Sometimes it seems more than what we can bear.  These economically challenging times can make us feel helpless, angry, and sorry for ourselves.  It would be so easy to just give up.  Stop running life’s race and look for a place to hide.  I know I have felt this way many times. When I am afraid, I start to think about people who may have challenges bigger than mine.  In the Marathon I saw quite a few blind people running – with guides.  I can’t forget the runners in wheelchairs.   I saw many of them.  These runners have a challenge to overcome and do so with grace and dignity.  They also had smiles on their faces.  They set a goal and were accomplishing it.  I must admit when I think of how mankind meets adversity or any challenge head on I am in awe. 

You could feel the energy there.  It was powerful, passionate, intense and inspirational.  The crowd and the runners fed off each other.  I noticed some from the sideline even joined in the running for a while.  I noticed a group of children running with the marathoners.  I knew they did not belong there but they got caught up in the positive energy.  I also learned by watching this that if you are on the right path people will be there to cheer you on – even strangers.  If you are working toward a goal and your public does not support you, you are in the wrong crowd.  When you get tired they should help you stand up and keep running.  Just like thousands of strangers did for thousands of strangers during the Marathon.  Accomplishing a goal makes you stronger.  The stronger you are the more you grow.  Some people came to win a marathon, some came to challenge themselves, and others came to raise money for their favorite charity.  Imagine what all of that positive willful force can do to help the world if we just channeled it properly.

 The diversity was amazing.  I saw men, women, young, old, black, and white.  Europe, Africa, Asia, South America and the Caribbean were represented.    Nobody said “I’m too short, tall, skinny, or plus size.”  I saw everybody.  And everybody was cheered on no matter who they were or what they looked like.  In life we are all running in a race.  How we train and who we align ourselves with will determine if we will meet our goals.  We have to support our family and friends and expect support from them.  Feed your body, spirit, mind, and heart good things.  Make sure the people around you are feeding themselves properly.  Surround yourself with positive people.  You are going to need all of the positive energy to meet your goals and be happy.  You are as strong as your supporters around you.  Keep running the race for life with passion and the best support system possible.

We've come a long way

Today we live in a society with many choices.  In the past women were relegated to a few career choices.  If you ventured outside of the boundaries created by society you could expect pressure from well meaning family and friends.  Women today have choices never before imagined.  Todays women cannot imagine what women in the past had to put up in the workforce.  I must admit it makes me proud to be in a position to have witnessed this evolution.  We still have a long way to go but I see a confidence in women that is just great.