Does Mom Make Us Moral?

Years ago I witnessed something pretty interesting.  I was sitting in the train when it stopped at a particular station.  I heard a mother, who was already down by the turnstile, yelling for her kids to hurry up and catch the train.  I could hear the kids running down the stairs and yelling at each other to hurry.  When the kids came to the turnstile some jumped over and some scrambled under it.  They were obviously old enough to pay but mom urged them to go through the turnstile.  She did not want to pay the fare.  At that point the mother jumped the turnstile.  Here is the kicker.  There was one child left.  She was about 14 or 15 years old.  She ran to the token booth to buy a metro card.  Her mom was holding open the train door urging her to jump the turnstile and hop on the train.   She was obviously the oldest.  All of her younger siblings were laughing at her, urging her to jump the turnstile and get on the train.  Her mother started yelling at her to jump the turnstile.   Finally she bought the metro card and went to the turnstile to swipe the card and let her through.  The young lady kept swiping her metro card and it would not let her through.  All the while her mother and siblings were yelling for her to go through the turnstile.  She was looking embarrassed as she kept swiping the card and it would not give her access.   She would not listen to her mom and siblings until finally the turnstile took the fare.  As she boarded the train her whole family laughed “at” her.  They were ribbing her in a jovial way, asking her why she did not jump the turnstile.   She did not answer but looked embarrassed.   I found it interesting that even when mom wanted her to go against her beliefs, she maintained her integrity.

 I started to wonder about what makes us develop our principals. Is it our parents? Is it our environment?  This young lady does not share all of her mothers’ values.  It was important for her to pay her way.  Who taught her that?  Was it another older relative?  Was it a person outside her personal circle?  Maybe it was a story she heard or a religious leader’s influence.  Whatever the situation, it helped her make a decision she was comfortable with.  I’m glad her mother did not publicly humiliate her for her decision.  Her mother let her make a free moral decision.  I guess that says something about mom.  Every once in a while we all try to get over.  That is one reason why we love a good sale.  But what about people who are always trying to get over on the system?  How can that be harmful?  In this case, the mother is unwittingly showing her kids how to get over as much as possible at the expense of someone else.  In the beginning it may seem innocent.  It always starts out small.  But soon it will grow to bigger things and situations.  One day a person can try to get over and it can hurt someone else directly.   Today I steal a ride on the transportation system, tomorrow I steal a car.  I’m just joyriding, nobody will get hurt.

The other day I was waiting at a red light.   A mother and toddler were also waiting.  Two adults crossed against the light.  The boy wanted to cross.  Mother said we must wait for the light.  I saw the boy look at the other adults crossing and I could see him wondering.  So instead of crossing against the light, I waited until it turned green.  I did not want to ruin a teachable moment.  When it turned green we all crossed.  I wonder what he will do when facing a turnstile in the future.  Hopefully, mom’s lesson will be in his head and he will obey the law.

We have to be mindful of what we teach our children.  They are watching us.  They watch what we do, not what we say.  As an educator I see this so often.  It is up to the parent to be the first moral line of defense.  We must show the importance of being honest.  It can actually save a life.

 Am I My Brothers’ Keeper?

One of the things that make our lives beautiful is having a great relationship.  I am amazed at how we depend on each other.  Even in the animal kingdom we see this interdependency.  We see how families or clans work together to make life easy and safe.  We observe the whole clan helping with food gathering, protecting the family, child care, and other daily activities being carried out.  In the animal kingdom you can see the young playing and relying on mother to provide food, guidance and protection.  In the animal kingdom if a member behaves in a socially unacceptable way, the member is rebuked or sent away.  Balance and order must be maintained. 

I wonder how the animal kingdom knows this and some human beings have trouble with this concept.  How is it that when someone acts in a detrimental way we keep them close and endanger our loved ones.  I remember years ago seeing a sad case.  I was walking in the pouring rain with my umbrella and still getting drenched.  I saw a woman squeezed into a half phone booth with her 4 year old daughter.  By the conversation I could tell she was trying to get shelter from an abusive boyfriend or husband.  She was begging for help.  You could hear the desperation in her voice.  Nobody would give her shelter.  I could tell by the conversation that she called everybody she knew and they were tired of her leaving and going back to the abuser.  They had no umbrella, coat or proper shoes.  They were drenched.  The little girl had her arms wrapped around her mother.  She was looking up at her with fear and desperation in her eyes.  I could imagine the people on the other end being tired of rescuing her just for her to go back to her abuser later on.  Also, who wants an abuser knocking down their door looking for their family (I heard a reference to that also). I knew of another woman who was mentally abused by her husband.  It started out with small comments and got bigger and uglier as time went on.  Again, the children were always present when the insults flew.  On a least two occasions, I saw men walking with their wives and children in the street.  The women were walking with battered and swollen faces.  The women looked embarrassed. The men proudly walked down the street.  As if they were proud of their actions.  This is the 21^st century and guess what?  A lot has not changed.  Although women are making more money than our mothers before us, going to school in greater numbers and growing professionally as never before some of us still face issues that our mothers and grandmothers faced.  Namely, respect for women and the family unit.

As an educator I wonder how my students get through the day sometimes knowing their mothers face these challenges on a regular basis.  Sometimes the students talk about it.  They seem sad and scared.  Adults have no idea the impact these actions have on their children.  But my biggest question is “how do these actions become socially acceptable?”  These men have families, friends, coworkers, and church family.  Notice I did not say neighbors.  I’m talking about people who the abuser respects.  A neighbor can only call the police but does not have any real power to affect change.  I think this is a complex issue and that is why I cannot find any articles on an intervention with the abuser.  Well a friend of mine did it.  She had an intervention with an abuser.  It did not work the first time but when all the friends started their own interventions it took.  The abuser went to therapy.  She said she could not believe the difference in the couple’s behavior.  Yes the couple not just the abuser.  There was a lot of crying on the abusers part but they wanted to make their marriage work.  It’s now stronger than ever.  I can’t say she made the difference.  I can’t even say she was the first intervention.  But, they did not give up on their friend.  They knew he loved his mate and wanted a great life with her.  The couple also knew they were loved by their friends.

 I don’t think a mental health professional would recommend getting involved in a couple’s troubled relationship.  But, I think if you know them well enough you can at least try to talk to the abuser at an off time – gently.  You may be surprised at the outcome.

                                                                                    Sigrid