Am I My Brothers’ Keeper?

One of the things that make our lives beautiful is having a great relationship.  I am amazed at how we depend on each other.  Even in the animal kingdom we see this interdependency.  We see how families or clans work together to make life easy and safe.  We observe the whole clan helping with food gathering, protecting the family, child care, and other daily activities being carried out.  In the animal kingdom you can see the young playing and relying on mother to provide food, guidance and protection.  In the animal kingdom if a member behaves in a socially unacceptable way, the member is rebuked or sent away.  Balance and order must be maintained. 

I wonder how the animal kingdom knows this and some human beings have trouble with this concept.  How is it that when someone acts in a detrimental way we keep them close and endanger our loved ones.  I remember years ago seeing a sad case.  I was walking in the pouring rain with my umbrella and still getting drenched.  I saw a woman squeezed into a half phone booth with her 4 year old daughter.  By the conversation I could tell she was trying to get shelter from an abusive boyfriend or husband.  She was begging for help.  You could hear the desperation in her voice.  Nobody would give her shelter.  I could tell by the conversation that she called everybody she knew and they were tired of her leaving and going back to the abuser.  They had no umbrella, coat or proper shoes.  They were drenched.  The little girl had her arms wrapped around her mother.  She was looking up at her with fear and desperation in her eyes.  I could imagine the people on the other end being tired of rescuing her just for her to go back to her abuser later on.  Also, who wants an abuser knocking down their door looking for their family (I heard a reference to that also). I knew of another woman who was mentally abused by her husband.  It started out with small comments and got bigger and uglier as time went on.  Again, the children were always present when the insults flew.  On a least two occasions, I saw men walking with their wives and children in the street.  The women were walking with battered and swollen faces.  The women looked embarrassed. The men proudly walked down the street.  As if they were proud of their actions.  This is the 21^st century and guess what?  A lot has not changed.  Although women are making more money than our mothers before us, going to school in greater numbers and growing professionally as never before some of us still face issues that our mothers and grandmothers faced.  Namely, respect for women and the family unit.

As an educator I wonder how my students get through the day sometimes knowing their mothers face these challenges on a regular basis.  Sometimes the students talk about it.  They seem sad and scared.  Adults have no idea the impact these actions have on their children.  But my biggest question is “how do these actions become socially acceptable?”  These men have families, friends, coworkers, and church family.  Notice I did not say neighbors.  I’m talking about people who the abuser respects.  A neighbor can only call the police but does not have any real power to affect change.  I think this is a complex issue and that is why I cannot find any articles on an intervention with the abuser.  Well a friend of mine did it.  She had an intervention with an abuser.  It did not work the first time but when all the friends started their own interventions it took.  The abuser went to therapy.  She said she could not believe the difference in the couple’s behavior.  Yes the couple not just the abuser.  There was a lot of crying on the abusers part but they wanted to make their marriage work.  It’s now stronger than ever.  I can’t say she made the difference.  I can’t even say she was the first intervention.  But, they did not give up on their friend.  They knew he loved his mate and wanted a great life with her.  The couple also knew they were loved by their friends.

 I don’t think a mental health professional would recommend getting involved in a couple’s troubled relationship.  But, I think if you know them well enough you can at least try to talk to the abuser at an off time – gently.  You may be surprised at the outcome.

                                                                                    Sigrid